But then,
don't know from where, I have an idea. I decided to look up and no turning back, well this is not quite brilliant I think. I'm tired. My heart, my brain, my body, I hadn't eat anything for days. I kept it on mind, that thing, and couldn't have slept for a month. I slept only 5 hours a day. Thanks God I'm on my long holiday : ) this world is too cruel to live but I don't have any place to live beside this Earth. I know what I did is too extreme, but the positive thing is, I lost my weights almost 6kgs and my mom didn't have to cook much foods.
I was tired to cry every night. I couldn't recognise my face every morning because of this black pocket below my eyes. It's swollen every time I saw my face on mirror. I was looked like a monster, a hulk, a giant, what so ever.
For the worst case, I have through it for 3 years. 3 years for nothing. I regret it way too much and I wish I could back into that time. Delete every pieces that make me sad and have no faith to life. Then I knew, I was strong enough to move and forgot all those things. I decided to go, went away from my old place into my new place.
I struggled alone. I told nobody because I couldn't trust them. I didn't trust anybody because, they never remembered. They are only humans. I have different way of thinking for my age. So maybe that's why, what do world see from me, is totally different from what I feel inside. I laugh and make people laugh, but I can't even make myself laugh. I tell people the truth and advise them for a better conclusion while others... ? Sometimes they close their ears and eyes. Pretend to be care but not. I smile a lot, it's health right, to cover my sorrow and tears. I can't show the world that I'm weak, not until I find my man : ) someday.
It's just a matter of time. I believe in that. And until... I met you.. I met you for the first time. I didn't know why I smiled so.... badly wide.
to be continued ; )
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