Is This Karma?

It's a random midnight. I can't even sleep when tomorrow I have to go to school. I've done my final tests and my chemistry's report. I'm listening to music and texting with someone. I was seeing some photos until my eyes caught those photos. Stupid photos. Silly photos. Idiot photos. Photos that bring memories up and down. I stared at it for a long time. Gah geez, I decided to move. Opened another folder and folder. Then again I found something. A memo. This is the only memo I saved since that moment from someone that mean to me. Unfortunately, I didn't want to know that 'someone' on that particularly time. Why did he want to stay for me?

Love supposed to be beautiful, but I realized that didn't happen in my love story. Everyone said I got that beauty, I was so lucky. In what cases did they mean? -_- I always get jealous for everything. I know I have to be grateful but yeah you know like everyone get much better than yourself. Sometimes I think, why I can not be like them? Have their precious moment with their beloved one? 

I'm too much thinking about someone that never think like what I cared much. At all. I'm still trying figure out why he can and I can't. Ignoring someone is the easiest, fastest, and simplest thing I think. But damn I'm so wrong. The easiest, fastest, and simplest thing is falling again for him without no reason, no doubt, even no consideration. I hate myself sometimes because of this. I hate everything. I hate my life. Why can't I survive and breath easily like others? Am I supposed to be suffer like this?

He tried to call me, text me, ask me to hangout, talk to me. I was ignoring him at class, at way back home, at everywhere I could. Sometimes I caught glance at his eyes, he wanted to stay but I chose to make him away, because I thought that was the best path for us. I really not fell for him, I used to but I couldn't make it together with him. So I walked away from him slowly. He, as a new student, had something like hmm, aura? No not aura -_- he was famous at that time because of his name and his accent also his face. He was so handsome for me. He came to my class, introducing, sit behind of the class and I CAN NOT take my eyes off of him. It's been 5 years ago. :') I got another ex, he did it too with some girls but why I got so much closer to him during those years? He seldom made contact to accompany him with his girlfriend in the past. and yet I didn't reject it. After we got on same high school, we were not in the same class and then there were a distance between us. Time flew so fast but then I met him again. I met my first love, my first ever boyfriend, and my first ex-boyfriend. So, tell me, how can I forget any details of these?