The Thing That Kill You Most

Hi! Another good morning from me to you readers: ) how's your day? I hope it ruined well. Hihihi have you prepared something? Because this year is going to end in just a day! My family is going to have barbeque in my house for celebrate 2014. I can't wait for it.

Oh well, from my title of my post maybe you can conclude something like stress? Mental breakdown? Disease? And another thing else but I just want to tell you that my thing that kill me most is,

These Days Come To An End : (

Lelah. 1 kata itu doang yang bisa gw ungkapin buat beberapa hari ini. Memang sih bukan gw yang sakit, bukan gw yang harus merana tapi tetep aja badan rasanya cape banget harus bolak-balik rumah sakit. Gw malah takut ngedrop dan malah yang kena penyakit gw -_- kan ga unyu pas mau tahun baru gw harus ngestak sakit. Amit-amit ...

MERRY CHRISTMAS ♥

It's 25th December 2013 right here in Jakarta, Indonesia! And I'd like to say,

Merry Merry Merry Christmas 2013 everyone who celebrated this blessing day! The day when Jesus was born♥

Soo, have you guys prepared something for this Chrismas? Have you buy something new? Do you gather with your family or friend? Hihihi. I do that things too. I bought some clothes and I ate lots. Like lots. Really. I forgot my diet suddenly then I just.... ate everything. It's okay. I will not eat again after this day. Hmm.

Letter For You ♥

Kadang malem hari kaya gini bisa jadi random night. Ya kaya hari ini aja, gw seneeeeeng banget seharian entah mengapa, mungkin karena rapot yang hasilnya sangat memuaskan, atau aja karena gw hari ini bebas mau ngapain seenak gw, tapi... tiba-tiba aja gw lagi iseng denger lagu, liat foto-foto di tempat yang jauh dari yang gw duga dan kabum! Unexpected thing happened. 

A thousand silhouettes dancing on my chest. 

 No matter where I sleep, you are haunting me. 

 But I’m already there. 

I’m already there

Is This Karma?

It's a random midnight. I can't even sleep when tomorrow I have to go to school. I've done my final tests and my chemistry's report. I'm listening to music and texting with someone. I was seeing some photos until my eyes caught those photos. Stupid photos. Silly photos. Idiot photos. Photos that bring memories up and down. I stared at it for a long time. Gah geez, I decided to move. Opened another folder and folder. Then again I found something. A memo. This is the only memo I saved since that moment from someone that mean to me. Unfortunately, I didn't want to know that 'someone' on that particularly time. Why did he want to stay for me?

I will always miss you... :')

I Wish I Have Amnesia

I shouldn't know you. No. Not that. I shouldn't ... Meet you.

I knew that was the most beautiful moment in my life but yet, you left me. Also that is my first mistake. Ever. :') I just don't want to know you. Of course I make mistakes, everyone does. I forgive so do you. But when you left me, I don't do that. Even an inch.

I remember when you're humiliating me with those sentences in January, our first breakup story hahaha. I just can not run through the rain. My legs like... Frozen or something. Then I let you go. I sat down. I wanted to cry. :') you never know how much I keep my promises on you. But you don't.

I don't care about you, but I care too much and I hate that. I dream about you you you and you everynight and I don't want that happen as it's the opposite thing I want to do. I obsess with everything you do, everything you write, everything you think, and it's like drugs for me. Too addicted, even a day if I don't see anything from you, I lose something. Sh** gosh. -___- I feel so weak. Sigh.

I have so many good reasons why I have to move on, why I have to forget you, why I have to live my beautiful life. I always have much reasons. Unfortunately, those reasons, they're defeated by one small reason. A simple reason why I musn't do all of that stuff. Quite hard actually to stand with head lifted while distractions come along. And that reason is... You. My World. My Everything.

Even

Even the world has end now, I still have faith on You

Even I lose my way, even I have to struggle much or again and again, but I still have You.
Even I cry, even I have to hold my tears, You still here, hug me until I don't cry again.
Even I have to face this world alone, You make my paths way easier than usual.
Even I have to let someone go, even he/she is someone that I very loved, even I have to get heart break, You still know I can do it.
Even everybody left me, I will always have You by my side.

Thank You.
:')

"The moment I realized that you were gone, was the moment that I realized how madly in love I was with you."

Part 8

Emma butuh sesuatu untuk bernapas. Rasa sakit di dadanya terus menekan dirinya untuk terus menerus berhenti berusaha. Ia tidak tau apa yang sebenarnya sedang ia rasakan. Tangannya tak berhenti memukul dada supaya rasa sakit itu segera hilang seperti biasa. Namun, mengapa sekarang semakin tidak terkendali seperti ini?

Air mata terus mengalir dari pelupuk matanya, sungguh Emma berharap ia bisa menahannya. Ia tidak ingin menaruh begitu banyak make up untuk menutupi bengkak yang sekarang saja sudah hampir sebesar kacang polong. 

"Oh my hentikan! Aku tak ingin kembali membawa kantung hitam ini kemana-mana."

Tangannya berusaha meraih pergelangan kursi yang sedaritadi berada di depannya. Bahkan untuk bangkit pun butuh usaha ekstra. Emma tak tahan lagi dengan semua sakit di dadanya. Ia harus menghentikan ini. Tetapi ia tak ingin... Ia hanya tak bisa melakukannya. Kalau Alvin benar-benar orang yang Tuhan jodohkan untuknya, kenapa harus berakhir seperti ini?

Kenapa Tuhan?

***

今天！November!

Being too greedy it's not an option I think. Being too selfish either. I swore that noone saw me sleep with sorrow and heavy eyes except my doll. Damn doll even you could talk, I will push you away and never want to see you in front of my eyes. But I just can't. It's meaningful to me, even I want to sell it or throw ot every night or punch his big stomatch. 

Counting

Besok udah November aja loh! Cepet banget kayanya baru kemaren ngerayain tahun baru sama mereka. Baru aja kayanya ngerayain ulang tahun ke 17 hehe tapi memang waktu berlalu begitu cepat ;')

Masih teringat juga dengan sangat amat jelas gimana tahun lalu di bulan yang sama hari yang sama bener-bener jadi awal dari sebuah awal yang baru buat gue. Awal yang baru... 

Pain

I can't ever feel where my heart is. I try and so damn hard to try but it never fade away. It never even a little go away. Even a step. I hate this and i hate that. I just want to be happy with or without you. But it seems God want to test me more. He wants to created me to be fireproof. :')

I just have to give up and let him go. I have nothing to fight. Nothing to hold.

He has everything in his hands now like there won't be anything to change it, including me. God knows what's best. But I still feel my eyes are turning black. It feels so empty. Here. Deep of my soul.

Part 7

Ia benar-benar harus keluar dari lingkaran ini. Entah apa yang akan ia lakukan, tapi langkah pertama sudah ia lakukan dan setidaknya hal jujur yang bisa ia katakan adalah, ia sedang tidak baik-baik saja. Ia sangat tidak baik-baik saja dan butuh lelaki itu. Ia tidak tau mengapa ia melakukan hal ini padahal banyak orang mengatakan mereka sangat serasi dan sudah sangat melengkapi satu sama lain.

Tetapi, kadang memang kenyataan tidak seperti yang semua orang harapkan. Ketika kau berharap semua akan berjalan baik-baik saja tetapi Tuhan berkata lain dan inilah yang sedang Emma hadapi. Kenyataan pahit yang harus ia tanggung sendiri, tanpa Alvin harus tahu.

Part 6

New York tampak manis di awal November pagi ini. Semua orang bersantai di rumah menikmati hari libur dengan keluarga mereka dan hanya terlihat beberapa mobil yang melaju di jalan tepat di bawah apartemen Alvin. Well, semua orang tampak bahagia hari ini.

Tetapi bagi Alvin, hari ini adalah hari lain saat ia harus bisa bertahan. Hari lain dimana matahari kembali bersinar. Ya, 8 bulan sudah semenjak kejadian itu. Kejadian yang benar-benar menorehkan luka dan meninggalkan bekas. Kejadian yang membuat Alvin berpikir hidup tiada artinya. Kejadian yang menyakiti hatinya.

Dia.

Part 5

Matahari siang ini cukup membakar kulit Alvin. Ia benar-benar tidak tahan dan ingin segera sampai di cafe tempat Janet menunggu. Sudah hampir 20 menit ia berusaha berjalan tanpa menabrak di tengah ramainya jalur pejalan kaki di New York. Terik matahari pun tak dapat menghentikan langkah mereka yang didesak perut lapar. Jam makan siang. Jam semua karyawan tumpah di jalanan, termasuk dirinya.
"Harusnya aku membawa mobil. Ah, perempuan itu. Menyusahkan saja."

***

Move On Quote

There will always be a 'lie' in believe, an 'end' in friend, and an 'over' in lover

Dear heart, please fall in love when you're ready, not when you're lonely

I try to think in positive ways. I read so many sentences that make my mind think, I shouldn't do that from beginning or I have to throw the trash into the garbage and never take it back again. But when my brain think 'you have to forget it!' Then my damn heart think, 'you have to forgive and see their kindness to you.' So how can I go? This two won't cooperate with me. They never on the same side with me! How dare you -_-

Anyone ever feel this kind of feeling? I do.

Part 4

Ting tong. Ting tong. Ting tong.

Alvin berusaha membuka matanya. Siapa sih yang berani membunyikan alarm sebanyak itu sepagi ini? Menyebalkan. 

"Ini masih pukul 7 pagi dan aku butuh tidur..."

Alvin terus menerus mengerang dan berusaha menggapai gagang pintu apartemennya. Kalau ia bukan orang penting aku akan segera...

"Sayang!"

가지마.. :'(

I just don't know how to beg again. Even i say "jebal jebal jebal" million times you won't hear that.
I'm tired of this. So damn tired. I don't even know how to cut this off. To end this quickly.
Even the world say "No" but i still consist with my heart with "Maybe".
I just don't know how.
I'm tired Lord.

거짓말.
제발 떠 나지마.

너를 만나고 싶어. 너를 그리워. :(

Part 3

Ruangan kantor Alvin bisa dibilang cukup besar. Terdapat jendela kaca yang berada di belakang mejanya dengan pemandangan menghadap ke jalanan sibuk kota New York, ukiran dinding yang dihiasi dengan ornamen minimalis, dan tentu saja tertera jelas Alvin bukan pegawai biasa.

"Permisi Pak. Boleh saya masuk?"

"Oh ya silahkan. Ada apa tergesa-gesa seperti ini Gina?"

"Saya hanya ingin memberitau bapak, rapat akan dimulai dalam 5 menit."

"Oh. Baiklah. Ya saya sudah tau. Terima kasih kamu boleh keluar."

Gina. Gina Evans. Wanita paruh baya dengan rambut hitam sebahu. Tubuhnya proporsional dengan berat mungkin 50kg dan tinggi 165cm. Wajah asian yang kental, sangat jarang terlihat apalagi ketika berada di Amerika seperti ini. Ia sangat menawan untuk ukuran wanita sebayanya.Mengapa aku menilainya?

Alvin mengetuk-ngetuk jam tangannya. Berpikir bagaimana rapat kali ini dapat membuat para donatur mau menyumbang untuk proyek pembangunan rumah anak-anak yatim.

"Ahh.. Sungguh ini memusingkan. 2 menit lagi dan aku belum mendapat ide yang bagus. Haruskah aku membatalkannya saja?"

Tiba-tiba Gina masuk ke dalam ruangan dan ia mengatakan semua donatur sudah hadir, rapat akan segera dimulai. Alvin hanya bisa menghela napas. Okey, kita lihat kemampuanku membujuk mereka.

***

Well seperti yang diharapkan, rapat berjalan lancar dan hampir semua donatur menandatangi perjanjian. Diberi bakat berbicara yang luar biasa sangatlah menguntungkan Alvin. Tak heran ia menjadi direktur utama dari perusahaan terbesar di New York tersebut.

"Hey! Sepertinya aku tau dirimu. Kau yang berhenti saat lampu sudah hijau tadi kan!"

Alvin kaget setengah mati. Ia memutar badan dan melihat... Oh my.

"Eh? Iya itu tadi saya.."

"Hahaha. Mukamu langsung pucat seperti itu. Panggil saja Janet, jangan panggil ibu. Lagian peristiwa tadi sudah saya lupakan juga kok."

Janet?

***

to be continued

Part 2

Hari ini Alvin berangkat ke kantornya seperti biasa. Menjalani rutinitas sehari-harinya. Yahh.. Hari Senin yang sangat biasa. Kemacetan menemaninya sepanjang perjalanan. Sampai akhirnya ia mendengar lagu yang diputar di radio.

"Do you hear me.. I'm talking to you.. Across the water.. Across the deep, blue ocean.."

Seketika Alvin langsung saja menoleh dan mengganti channel radio tersebut. Apa yang telah kupikirkan.. Ini aneh. Ya, aku aneh. 

Sembari kembali memacu mobilnya, sesekali Alvin menoleh ke arah radio playernya. Ingin ia mendengar lagu itu kembali. Ia rindu dengan suara itu. Suara yang selalu membawanya ketenangan hatinya..

Part 1

"Apa yang sedang kau pikirkan?"

"Ah tidak.. bukan apa-apa. Nah, kenapa sekarang kau belum tidur?"

"Tidak apa.. aku hanya menunggumu. Anak-anak sudah tidur dan sebaiknya kita tidur karena esok mungkin akan menjadi hari terberatmu sayang."

"Kau duluan saja. Aku ingin menonton tv dulu." Alvin mengusap kepalanya. Membuatnya tidak bisa memaksanya tidur lagi.

"Baiklah haha. Aku tidur dulu ya. Selamat malam."

Seulas senyum tersungging di pipinya. Jane pun tertidur ketika suaminya mematikan televisi dan mengambil foto. Foto seseorang yang sangat ingin dia jumpai.

"Someday I hope I can love the way you love me... "

 The Vow

I really do love that sentence like seriously. Sometimes i think, did i do the right thing? did i do what suppose i do? Because everyday, everyhours, every minutes, every seconds.. I'm struggling with myself. Like idiot.

This film, The Vow, tells you how can love withstand the mental problem. The girl forgot her short memories with the one she really love. And the boy struggled so much to make her remember. Again. Too much heart break, too much sadness the boy has to handle. I cried when I saw the boy like... why i have to do this? why my girl has to forget me and remember her ex fiancee? 

I also struggled so much with my own... I have to face the truth. Am I the only one who have this feel? I hope he also has it.

:')

What Exactly I Feel

ACCEPTED!

First 8

Here it comes. The first 8. Yet I know there will be another 8 for the next month, and month, and month.. and it will be a year.

I feel like damn. I can pass this. Too easy. It's just about a day. Another day without him. 

But why.. There always another mind to think? Another feel spread out? W H Y? ;(

i wanna write 'I Miss You' on a rock and throw at your face so you know how much IT HURTS to miss you

Harusnya otak ini ga terngiang akan dia. Harusnya pikiran ini ga terbuai akan kenangan masa lalu. Harusnya kepala ini ga melihat ke belakang lagi. Harusnya... hati ini juga tidak, merasakan kepedihan itu lagi.

Broken Hearted

I don't know what exactly i feel. I torn into pieces. I can't look up. I can't stand. I'm so damn weak. Why should I feel this twice? Why they never feel what exactly I feel? Why his life seems so... fine? Why? Am I the only one who feel this? :'(

February, 6th 2011.

waktu ini kuhabiskan dengan menatap kehampaan

kehampaan yang berujung pada luka hati

yang tak bisa kuungkapkan dengan kata kata

akankah ini terus terjadi?